November’s National Support Topic

10 03 2012

Tonight I would like to discuss a very serious topic. It has been brought to my attention (through somewhat graphic and grotesque images) that raccoons everywhere suffer from an egregious lack of mothers. Evidence shows and I have concluded that due to absence of maternal care, mortality rates of the Common North American Raccoon (CNAR) have been on the rise for the past 100 years. However, don’t blame mama coon, the real culprit is… the automobile. While true the CNAR has been the target of Homo Sapien hunting for centuries, Henry Ford and his mass production of the horseless carriage has done more for the demise of the coon than any hunting weapon through the ages! These past hundred years have left our roadsides littered with the carnage of the masked bandit. One out of every five coons was the subject of sudden death on the roadway in 2009. That’s more than a 500% increase from the CCC[*] findings back in the year 1850 (please note #1 cause of death for the CNAR in 1850 was due to over hunting with coon dogs).

Such mass production of the “car” caused an almost immediate increase in coon death tolls. The CNAR was at a serious disadvantage because no coon mother knew the dangers of the modern carriage. Those who discovered this never lived to the eehrm… tail. And who’s to blame when you have a ton of metal barreling down upon your at excessive speeds? The result? Almost instantaneous eradication of coon mothers world wide. And with no mothers, who is there to tell the younglings to look both ways before crossing the road? … No one. (Coon fathers are useless in this aspect.) Granted there are still female coons out in the world to bring coonlets into being. However, nearly all CNAR mamas die young as a result of a lack of knowledge of the dangers of the road. Those that miraculously survive eventually fall prey to the hunter’s efforts.

And so it is with a heavy heart and a hopeful outlook that I declare November as National Coon Awareness month. It is our mission that during this month special attention be paid to our thoughtless driving. With just a little effort we can help prevent rising coon mortality rates and prolong the life of coon mamas. As part of our awareness education program we will start to train volunteers to proceed into the forest and demonstrate proper road crossing techniques to the CNAR. (If you are interested in becoming a volunteer please call 1-800-4MY-COON now!) We also have promotional t-shirts soon available for purchase. They come in red and yellow and feature a picture of a helpless baby CNAR and slogans such as “I break for mamas,” and “Swerve for coons.” Each shirt will be $19.99. There will be a link to our ordering site posted here some time later in the month (depending on support raised and the effectiveness of our program.) So check back here frequently. Support the CNAR and coon mamas everywhere!

Thank you,

God bless and goodnight

[*] Coon Census Correlation

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8 04 2012

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