“I Cannot Tell a Lie…

24 06 2014

…I did it with my little hatchet.”

Those were the words supposedly spoken by our illustrious first president, George Washington (if you didn’t know), when he was asked about a felled cherry tree. And I am here to tell you that’s a load of bologna.

Firstly, no one chops down a tree of any size, for fun, with a hatchet. I should know. I recently felled a dogwood of about 10in in diameter, with a full sized ax.

It was fun for about the first two seconds.

Secondly, of course good old George cannot tell a lie, probably because he was caught red handed with a horizontal cherry tree and an ax (obviously not a hatchet) in his hand. To lie would have been stupid.

I think George and I ran into the same problem, we only had our mind on taking down the tree and didn’t think of what to do with it afterward. He was probably mulling it over when he got caught. So since he told the truth I’m sure Poppa Washington helped him clean up the aftermath. I on the other hand had no such help. I was stuck with a 20ft dogwood and no idea what to do with it.

Now before you go all save the trees on me, let me explain that this tree was mostly dead and in danger of toppling someone in the noggin at some random time in the near future (I don’t know about you but I don’t want “done in by wayward tree” as my epitaph).  So it was coming down at one point or another.

I would have rather used a chainsaw, but the chainsaw has recently decided to take a holiday. This left me with trusty ol ax. I’d say all in all it took me 20 minutes of all out chopping to bring down the tree. That’s including the short break I took to recover from the heat stroke that was setting in (these 90+ degree days are a little on the warm side.) I rejoiced when I saw the remaining fibers bend as the tree gently began to fall exactly where I had planned. But it didn’t take long for the joy to stop short as I realized…

Now what?

I’ve got a huge tree down in the front yard. It’s probably at least 4 times my size (I grew to be a strapping 5 feet 2 inches so that’s probably not saying much) and what’s more, there’s thunder rumbling in the backyard. At this point I would usually cut the tree into sections and cart it off to a burn pile. But usually I would have a chainsaw and there is no way I’m axing this tree into sections. That’s just not gonna happen. Then a thought occurs to me.

Remember that beaver out of the movie Lady and the Tramp? If you need a refresher here you go…

I went to the garage and grabbed the first length of rope I could find which happened to be an old fashioned jump rope. Laying nearby was one of those fake wool, slip on, seat belt covers. I grabbed it up and thread it through the rope (so it wouldn’t cut into my flesh) then looped the rope around the lowest branch of the tree and slung it across my body commando style. If you’re wondering how this works, let’s just say “It works swell!”

The tree is now laying somewhere in the woods behind the house. I’ve surrendered it to the critters. I have no intention of messing with it again. However, I should probably go fix the ruts I tore though the yard dragging it along. It wasn’t murder but I still feel the need to hide the evidence. Imma go do that now. Y’all take care.

 

Cheers!

 

 

 

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